Monday, July 16, 2012

Week 37

Just to post a kind of a reminder to future self..
It has been such a huge pain to sleep and sit and to just about do anything for the past few weeks. From around the middle of the second trimester, baby started to grow rapidly, and it got harder to breath and it was almost impossible to get comfortable, especially to sleep at night.
It felt like i needed a crane just to turn the other side, or at least the help of hubby..

But last night.. For the 1st time in months... But what felt like FOREVER, i had ONE night of painless sleep!! Alhamdulillah!!

I think it has something to do with the baby being engaged.. It is such a relief to actually be able to move without pain again! I almost forgot what that felt like!

So, as a reminder to myself, dont worry, the pain WILL subside once the baby moves to his final position, insyaAllah...

Ok, now for the rest of the journey ☺ ....

Sunday, July 8, 2012

A mission in life.

Life is just that..
U need to have a sense of self worth. If not, there really is NO reason to live.

Oh, and you need money to achieve all that. Hate to admit it, but money IS everything..

After this delivery, I hereby proclaim that I'm gonna be at most 58kgs again. No matter what! Im gonna waste all the spare monies that I have to achieve this. NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIS.

Realization of the past, is actually still very much the present.

Read one if my older earlier blogs..
I havent changed much from back then really.. I have merely became 'meek' and accepting to my damaging situation...

I'm doing all these stupid things to survive:

- losing my self worth at home because I wanted to ensure the self worth of another. The consequence now is that I am unable to gain back control of my life, my worth as a human being.
- letting others be first and forgetting myself. The consequence is that when I have had ENOUGH, IVE HAD ENOUGH. something snapped, & no more missus nice sister/ daughter in law..
- I could not gain control over my own life, bcos u still wanted u to be the man if the house, to be the one holding the money, to at least have that control.. But when I found out that u abused that to keep ur own family afloat, to keep the studio alive, while WE suffer..
- yes u needed to sacrifice for ur family, but at my children and my expense..??

Bringing old wounds back up bcos I was just reminded of it, and of how I thought that it wont last long. But apparently, it never became any better. It only got worse.. And we merely survived, and are still JUST surviving..

I seriously SHOULD NOT HAVE EVEN CONSIDERED HAVING ANOTHER BABY.. What kind of mother brings a baby into a world full of heartache, hurt, debts, misery and hopelessness...??

I'm the worst mother in the world. Surely.. :(


Summary of what went on since my last posts:
- 2011 came and went like a huge squall, with me cleaning up the messes of the aftermath now (ie: BKP);
- work proves to be on the positive side, at the moment, a change of Minister, less pressure from upper management, but more pressure from outside factors (ie: JAN); and
- am currently an emotional trainwreck, bcos of all the worries and uncertainties of giving birth to another human being without the financial & health securities that i thought my family had when I first planned the pregnancy.

Guess im forgetting my own advice and life philosophies from last year:
- Be positive;
- Be thankful;
- u attract what u give into life, etc.

Why am i worried?

- not enough dough?:
> for a Tanamera or Amway set? Will i DIE if i dont buy those? The worse is i get fat cos really, the effect to my body will be in the long run. " IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD ".
> I wont be able to deliver in APSH? So just deliver in Putrajaya! Most of my friends deliver there, AND survived. So im sure that " IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD " if I do.

- his lack of enthusiasm?
> what' s THAT supposed to mean???? What else do u expect him to be like???
> he IS trying with the bathing of the kids n cleaning up the living room n dining once in a while, and he cooks! He tries so hard really..;
> his HEALTH.. That's a whole different matter altogether... Why am I worried actually? The fact that he cant wake up in the middle of the night to help me with the kids' milk. If scares the s**t out of me.. What if im in pain, about to deliver and he cant wake up..?? But he stays up for all these nonsense, football and his games/ heritage things. The fact that I cant ask him to massage me bcos HE needs massaging also!! The fact that he's already asleep when this 8month pregnant wife is still doing chores at night all alone when in fact, he has been staying at home while I was working the whole day earlier 😓 !!

Maybe the actually problem is FOCUS! Think ive figured out what the REAL problem is. It's not that he doesnt do all the stuff that needs doing, its just that I had to REPEATEDLY remind him to do something, when in previous pregnancies, he does things even b4 i could think of it. He comes and gives me backrubs and massages my calves without me even asking for it.. but now.. I feel guilty about asking cos his back hurts too, and i need to repeatedly ask for him to NOT stop, bcos he would get distracted and stop even when im still in pain.. *sigh*

I still keep the house running and i can see that the same will still happen even after i gave birth to Ashman.

So ive decided to be selfish and go to A. Star for the whole 'pantang' duration where i can actually be pampered by my own family.

My whole body aches, Ashman is summersaulting in his little space there, and my worries are keeping my head full of nonsense and ACTIVE! I cant sleep! Argh! 😭

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

No.. It not a NEW new year's Resolution

I loved this article on New Year's Resolution by The Almighty Dad. Totally agree with him that we're all be hypocrites, most of the time.

And I've realised that I'm doing it right this time around. I had my epiphany to change my life in November last year, so it doesn't count as a New Year's resolution, and I've made monthly plans!  Yay!

Let's just hope I go through with all of it. And to make sure of that, I've signed myself up for walks, a cross country run and a Night Run, one for every month. This way, I have to go, if not, it'll be quite a shame as almost all of my running buddies know that I've registered, plus I've paid the entry fees.

1st up: The 26th FTAAA Cross Country 2011 on the 23rd of January 2011. A 6.2 km, cross country run. They say run, but I'm pretty sure I'll be walking, if not striding, all the way. I don't care, it's a start.  :)
The best part of it is going through the Lake Garden! This is what it looks like:

 2nd is: The Bareno Run 2011 on the 13th of March 2011. A 5km run at the Bukit Jalil National Stadium. Or maybe I should go for the 10km run? hehe.. We'll see..

3rd: The Energizer Night Run! which will be held on the 16th of April 2011. I might be going for the 11km run!! ok, it will still be jogging probably, but, what the heck. I'm gonna try to just finish the run!

Wahh!!  So excited for the beginning of 2011! Let's make sure it's not just a New Year's Resolution, ok?   :D

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A new Secret ...

Psst.. I lost weight!

Ok, so I'm not gonna be making this about a certain product, although you can purchase them from me, because, i truly believe that losing weight is not about one certain factor, i.e. dieting, excercising, the desire for change, etc. It's a combination of all those factors.

Maybe I should start from the beginning. I'm following this fabulous blog on tumblr: Ben Does Life. He blogged on losing 120 pounds!, and went from obesity, to becoming a marathoner! Oh, and he's funny too.  :)     So, he basically inspired me too write about what I'm going through too, provided from a nursing, and babywearing mother point-of-view. 

I'm not sure when it hit me, though. At one point in my life, I always felt tired! Tired when I should be fresh in the crisp morning air, too tired even to spend time with the children after work, too tired on weekends even after sleeping in. Ok, and here goes, my big reveal, my weight was .. 82kgs! (that's 181lbs!).

Yes, the usual excuses applied, just had my 2nd baby (which by then is already 1 year old!), didn't have the time to exercise, blah blah blah..

Moving in a new home (on the 2nd of November 2010), we wanted to document everything. How happy the children were with their new home, how excited they were to explore the new neighbourhood (not to mention the playgrounds!). Then, i saw one particular picture of me & the kids.. I saw how HUGE i looked. And I remembered not having the energy to just run around to play with my son in front of the new house..  So here's the pic  *cringe*:

I decided then, that enough was enough. I wanted ENERGY! I wanted to be able to run around on a football field with my son. I wanted to teach my daughter how to swim. I wanted to DANCE with them all the time. And I did!

Be it slowly at first. I started taking Herbalife, which is basically a food replacement shake. I've tried it before being pregnant with my daughter, and now I'm following through with the program.

Nothing major really, I started drinking shakes instead of having breakfast and dinner. But I ate lunch as usual. I started having energy throughout the mornings, and not even getting hungry till after 1pm! The old me, would've started finding things to munch at 10.30-11am, even after a heavy breakfast of eggs or roti canai or nasi lemak

And dinner was great too! I quickly had my shake dinner and I had time to prepare dinner/ or buy them for my family. I hate it when I'm preparing food while being starving myself.

But the best thing about the shakes are in a certain period of emergency that we went through. ..

My husband was admitted to the hospital for a few days. And after the hospital, he was still sick, that he had to stay at home with ZERO energy. So, naturally, I had to play nurse, caretaker, wife, and mother all at the same time. My children then caught the same fever and I had to take care of them, while my husband was still recovering. And through ALL that, I am truly thankful to god that I had the Herbalife shakes and snack bars. Those were all the energy, and food that I had the time to take for myself! (don't forget that I'm still breastfeeding too!).

So, the shakes were really my savior. And to this date, I can now safely announce that I lost 6kg! (13pounds) in less than two months!.

And now, the hard part.. I need to do something else to stay healthy. Oops. forgot to mention that I joined a 5km "fun walk" too. So, my next mission is to run.

I'll start of with 5km walks/ run first, and see if I can make it for the 11km run in April!

So, there you have it. My new, big secret. I was overweight in November 2010. I'm not overweight now, but I want to be healthier, for myself, and for the children.

Wish me luck!   :D